People are different in many aspects more so men and women are different. However, young single adults in the Church, most if not all, have their eyes towards one special pursuit: eternal marriage. Single adult women in the Church, myself included, desire to get to know a single adult man to whom we can build a wholesome friendships that may potentially lead to marriage.
Some may say that this pursuit is mostly leaning towards men and this is a shared responsibility and pursuit. The question is, “are we putting our best efforts on the relevant things that will help us thrive in this pursuit?” Or have we overlooked the fact that men think differently? I know that many of us, in one way or another, wished to read what’s going through a man’s head on this matter. Well, consider this read as a wish coming true. Here are nuggets of wisdom from faithful single adult men for all of us single adult women.
Mark Henry Thomas
- Don’t take rejections personally. When someone isn’t feeling it and they tell you they aren’t interested in pursuing a relationship, it’s not your fault. You are good enough. You are beautiful enough. Rejection is about fit and circumstance. We don’t all fit and sometimes life circumstances simply prevent someone’s heart from being open.
- Be honest. Men are not good at guessing. We struggle with subtle cues. Sometimes you need to take courage and say what’s on your mind and in your heart. We’ll listen and we’ll understand.
- Most men think pornography is disgusting, just like you do. Even if a man is struggling with it, he likely wants to stop. Be brave and discuss this with him. If it’s your issue, be even braver and discuss it. Porn kills love. Secrecy breeds even darker problems. Be open. Talk about it. It’s going to be a constant threat in dating so face it head on together.
- Scatter sunshine.
- Don’t downplay your influence because oftentimes we draw inspiration from you.
- We are observant of what you do kahit hindi mo pansin.
- Be modest, dress modestly for your date. It will keep you both in the right mindset, help prevent temptation and build a relationship that you can take to the temple.
- Remember that you are not perfect, nor will the men you date be perfect. We are dating for potential not perfection, this applies to yourself as well don’t be too critical of others or of yourself. Talk about goals, dreams and difficulties in your lives to gain a better understanding what you both want and expect in life.
- Make service a habit in dating. Plan dates and activities where you can serve together side by side. It’s easy to talk and get to know each other and see how their attitude towards service and their work ethic. It’s good to know who you might be yoked with in life and how they are when the yoke gets heavy.
Fotu Misa Jr.
- Don’t always say “no” sa mga single adult men who ask you out on a date. Ang date ay hindi nangangahulugang kailangang mong mainlove sa lalaki at hindi rin ibig saihin na inlove na ang lalaki sayo. Say yes. Forget what your friends think and just do it. Kilalanin mo siya at kung hindi ka interesado na makipagrelasyon then politely say no so you can both move on.
- Please ladies—super gusto naming makitang modest kayo. Wag niyong ibaba ang standards niyo para magaya niyo ang mga artista because most of them dress up for the world. Your audience in mind when you dress up must be God and His priesthood holders.
- We love your smile. Smile lagi. Kahit wala kang reason para magsmile, smile pa rin. Mas may chance ka to be asked out on a date. Hence it goes a long way!
- I want to know that your testimony is strong. And that you are comfortable enough with me to talk about serious gospel topics so that if one of us struggles with our testimonies we can help each other.
- Wow me with your actions not just your words. I want to see how you’ll act every day and how you’ll keep the relationship progressing not just as a girlfriend but as a wife, or mother. I want to see how you handle adversity and screw ups. If you have a past that has some bumps does it negatively affect you now? Do you know how to forgive others and yourself and move on? Do you understand the atonement enough?
- Have fun! Don’t worry or stress. You are gorgeous every one. So enjoy life and don’t let the stupid little things bring you down.
Along with these wonderful words, I want to add Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s powerful remarks, “In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at your expense and may even call it humor.” (“How Do I Love Thee?” New Era, Oct. 2003)
There is much more wisdom that I know most single adult men want to tell single sisters. Seek this wisdom from them and I know they would be most happy to share what they think. We may not agree to all of them and it is okay. However, may we agree firmly on a common ground on modesty, chastity and moral purity because these principles will help us have wholesome dating experiences. May we always have the courage to stand for what we know is right and may our thoughts in whatever circumstance we are front, point heavenward.
This article made some good points which I can relate to and appreciate, but objectively speaking it was rather one-sided. I understand this is a man’s perspective (so that’s kind of the idea), but I feel that there were some things that were said that might come off as a bit condescending to the single women here in the church as well as other good-hearted eligible single women. Here is why I feel that way.
Firstly let’s go ahead and look at women who could be reading this who are interested in the church, have felt the spirit, abide by tge church’s general teachings already, and want to learn more…..but they’re not members. I have had so many friends, both male and female, who have been automatically rejected by a single LDS man or women because they are not members. I’d like to say, as my opinion, that this is very unfair. I have also seen that happen and because of the instant rejection, the person feels like they are not good enough and that labels are what matter. I think it’s important that we remember that when we say and write and do these thibgs, we are doing them in representation of the church. In fact, the representation of Christ.
Regarding pornography, I have had past boyfriends who have (and were when I began dating them) struggling with pornography. I know how it feels to be where you discussed. Pornography in my opinion is the most insidious of all addictions, and by far the most poisonous to love and healthy beautiful relationships. It is difficult! Additionally, I have never once broken up with a guy because of that. I am happy to help someone as best I can, however the AGENCY LIES WITH THE MAN OR WOMAN WHO IS ADDICTED. I will not disrespect myself for an extended period of time by being in a toxic relationship where love cannot be because of this addiction. So I think a line needs to be drawn, meaning, if it’s 6 months into your relationship, even 3 months I would say, and the person is still viewing it, they do not have the self control to be in a relationship. They should not have the privilege of being in a relationship at that time until they gain that maturity and self control to stop looking at porn. What I’m trying to say goes right along with Elder Holland’s quote at the end of the article.
Right along the same lines the point about modesty. I personally think modesty is important, because it reenforces our divine nature as women each time we choose what to wear and decide why we want to wear that. Modesty is about women choosing to not reveal certain parts of their bodies out of respect for themselves or their preference. Again though, as a member, I feel that since I was a beehive we were told to dress modestly for men. I have come to believe strongly dressing modestly is for US as women, not for men. I think the way the importance of modesty has been portrayed can sometimes be rather disrespectful to men. Proverbs 23:7 reads “As a man thinketh, so is he.” A man should be able to control himself if let’s say, a kind, Christ- like woman who happens to not be a member wears something immodest on the first date. Even if she were a member, again the agency would lie with the man. I know you brethren have self control, and those who do not, should not be dating because they haven’t reached that milestone yet.
I truly appreciate the sincerity and insight you brethren put together to write this article. That is why I took the time to write out such a long response because it was so thought provoking and I appreciated the fact that you all wrote this. Just as most of it was your opinions, so was mine. I hope that I could bring something to the table in my response.